Exploration is the main draw of Breath of the Wild; at least for me. With a vast land to traverse and trouble lurking behind every corner, as a wise old man once said, “It’s dangerous to go alone.” What better companion is there to bring aside from a lovable animal? Not just one you can cuddle and feed, but one that will help you get from place to place.
Horses are bountiful in Hyrule’s wilderness and one of my favorite things about Breath of the Wild was finding new, beautiful mounts, taming them, and becoming friends. I especially loved chasing after the unique colored ones. A few of these horses include Lightning, the powerful black steed with a sick white mohawk; Turquoise, the unique blue, yet somewhat slow horse; and Priscilla, the adorable white and pink spotted horse who I stupidly sold to that one jerk who got lost and then probably sent my poor baby off to the glue factory. But there was one above all the others who I remember, though admittedly not for all the best of reasons. That would be the cheesiest of all boys: The one, the only, Dorito.
I spotted a beautiful chestnut horse from across the plains, though from the lighting, he looked a lot brighter orange. When I approached, though his fur color was a tad browner than I expected, his mane and tail remained that spectacular cheesy orange in the bright light, and I knew I must have this horse. While my initial thought was to call him Cheese Doodle, there were not enough characters to fit the whole word. Cheese Puff, even without the space, would have been short one “f”, and as an English minor, I could not tolerate the misspelled word. Thus, I settled on Dorito, which worked out perfectly, because now he lived on a cool ranch.
I gave the horse a monster makeover— quite literally as the gear I chose for this horse was the monster saddle and bridle and I gave him long, shaggy hair to match. He was perfect. All my other horses were dressed prim and proper or gave off major hero energy, but Dorito was just a chill, scruffy buddy who was ready to romp around Hyrule with me. Was he ready for it though?
It’s no secret that there’s danger lurking in this post-calamity land. Bokoblins run amok, Lynels patrol the lands, and Talusi remain slumbering until an unsuspecting fool passes. I assume most players proceed with caution or are simply confident in their own abilities, but I am a rather reckless gamer and embrace the chaos as it comes. That’s probably not the best strategy when you have an animal in your care.
On a leisurely stroll through the kingdom, Bokoblins on horseback ambushed us by a cliffside. There were a lot of them too. I had the choice to run or fight, and for some reason, I decided to stay and fight. I should know by now that I am not good at horseback combat. Ever since its introduction in Twilight Princess, I knew this, so why I decided to press on, I’m not sure. But I did. Maybe I felt overconfident with my cheesy boy at my side, but I can’t say he felt the same.
Dorito got pretty banged up during this fight and I knew it. Arrows struck his hide and clubs battered his skin: I felt just awful! I jumped off my horse in an attempt to protect him as well as just getting a better footing for myself during the fight. Still, the Bokoblins decided to harass my horse, so I stayed close to him while trying to stay out of range. He was also getting dangerously close to the cliffside, which concerned me further as Dorito is not a smart horse.
Still, the Bokoblins were relentless in their attacks, landing hits on both me and my steed, so I took out a big ol’ greatsword and with my super stacked stamina meter started spinning that thing like crazy. It certainly did the trick and mowed down all those nasty Bokoblins, but my dear, stupid horse was still running around like a chicken without a head, and just as I was wrapping up that spin attack, he got just a hair too close and…
I hit him.
Not only did I hit him, but I hit him off the cliff.
What had I done?!
Luckily I knew of the Horse God’s spring and went there immediately to resurrect my sweet Dorito. I was a bit curious about what would happen as I never intended for any of my beloved horsies to die, so off to the spring I went.
I awoke Malanya and pleaded to resurrect my dearly departed Dorito. However, what I was not expecting was my own horse to rat me out. Malanya revealed that Dorito had told him of his death and that I was the murderer! While it was technically true, it was an accident and I felt so bad as Malanya began to accuse me of reviving Dorito just to kill him again and threatened to kick me in the chest! As if he wasn’t scary enough with his unsettling appearance, now this maniac god was threatening to murder me for the accidental death of my horse.
But then he pulled back and said “I… jest.” What? He continued on to say that he was sure it was an accident– which it genuinely was, mind you– and I felt a little bit better even though there were still some more passive-aggressive comments about my careless behavior.
With a few swishes of his clawed, disembodied hands, my beloved Dorito was brought back from the great beyond. With one final threat to ensure that I would not kill my horse again, I hopped up on my noble steed’s back and rode off into the sunset. He never died again. No horses did. I never want to experience the horrors of that spring ever again.
That concludes the tale of Dorito: how he lived, how he died, and how he lived again. I love all the horses I’ve tamed in this game, but none of them have a tale so epic as Dorito and this memory will forever be embedded into my brain and I will never look at the chips the same way ever again.
To celebrate the upcoming launch of Tears of the Kingdom, we are dedicating two weeks of columns articles to its groundbreaking predecessor, Breath of the Wild! Check out our Countdown to TOTK page.
