Hoards and hoards of enemies chase Link as he wanders about the Mysterious Woods. He seeks shelter, a safe haven to escape his foes and heal his wounds. When all hope is lost, he sees in the distance a tiny shack with doors wide open. He runs towards it, seeking sweet relief, fleeing the birds that follow his every move.
He walks inside. Pink. Pink and purple everywhere. A towering candle and moody mauve lanterns light up the room. A huge, heart-shaped rug lines the floor with a fuzzy chair in the center, cradling a petite young woman in a red bandana, smiling as you enter the room. This was a mistake.
However, there is no turning back. You are stuck in this room with this seductive temptress and her pet mice that scamper about the floor.
“Hi there, Big Guy,” she beckons. Link, being much too polite to leave the awkward situation, approaches her. She introduces herself as Crazy Tracy and tells him of a secret sale she’s having that will pump him up. A sale? Sounds good, but why is it secret? Then she makes the offer.
“How about it?” she asks. Poor Link can’t even find it in him to ask her what the product is. “…You’re so cute! I’ll give you a 7 Rupee discount!” Seven rupees? That’s a steal! But what was that about him being cute? It’s probably nothing. Perhaps all the candle fumes and aromas coming from her apothecary table are just getting to his head. It’s probably fine. Link accepts her offer and approaches her to pay. This, too, was a mistake.
“All right, come here and I’ll rub it on you.” Rub it on him? What kind of product is this? What kind of deal did he agree to? A voice can be heard in his head which is definitely not me yelling at my television screen for him to run and get an adult. Still, he stands there, oblivious and stunned. Crazy Tracy dips her hand in a mysterious balm and slowly applies it to Link’s skin. And it feels good. Like, really good. In fact, all his wounds from before are gone!
“There… I’ve applied my own secret medicine!” she happily announces. Link feels like a brand new man! So good, that if he fell in battle, he would probably jump right back up again! She must have seen all his bruises and scrapes and was simply trying to help him. Perhaps Link has misjudged this mysterious character by the flamboyant appearance of her home and flirtatious nature. He has instead found a new ally in his adventure in unlocking the inexplicable enigma of Koholint Island and has learned to never judge a book by its cover.
What? Where did you think this story was going?
