“This is so boring, who made this thing a boss?”
As is the case with most quotes, this one has a story behind it. It involves possibly the easiest boss in the history of the Zelda franchise, one that, if you play it the safe and boring way, cannot possibly defeat you, or really even hurt you. And, as the funniest memories often do, it involves my younger self having no clue what he is doing.
When my friends and I first entered the Snowhead Temple in Majora’s Mask, we did so without a guide of any sort. With all our bumbling around, it may seem impossible to believe that we made it all the way through the temple without running out the clock once or twice, but somehow, we actually managed to reach the boss’s chamber with nearly 24 hours still left in the cycle. We were excited, we were feeling good, and we had no idea what we were about to endure.
So, when we melted the ice with our Fire Arrows and Goht broke free from his icy prison, our immediate reaction (being kids high on sugar at a late-night sleepover) was to panic. How could we beat something so big and constantly in motion? The first suggestion, funnily enough, was actually the intended way to beat the Masked Mechanical Monster: go Goron and ram into it at a million miles an hour.
This idea unfortunately backfired, mostly because we did not build up enough speed to get the spikes out and actually hurt Goht. With that plan immediately scrapped without further consideration (did I mention the sugar?), we started panicking even more. There seemed to be nowhere safe to turn, especially when the monster started shooting bolts of lightning for reasons I still don’t completely understand.
Then, when all hope seemed lost, we stumbled upon salvation: the entrance to the boss’s room, a small alcove that Goht never entered and his lightning couldn’t seem to penetrate. We spent the next minute or so patiently waiting, making sure as Goht ran by that Link was, indeed, as safe as he appeared.
This led to my idea: why not shoot Goht with the bow as he ran past? We had not yet managed to inflict damage, but this seemed a sure way to hit him back. After all, a Fire Arrow had freed this menace — why wouldn’t it be able to vanquish it as well? It only took one attempt to confirm, with a flash of red onscreen and an excited cry from all of us sitting there, that Fire Arrows could fell this foe. And it made sense to us, considering all the pots scattered around the arena were filled with magic, and the pots sitting right in our safe zone were filled with arrows.
What followed was a long, tedious battle that involved a lot of standing around, waiting for Goht to pass by so we could fire arrows at him one by one. Going back to the original quote, we couldn’t help but wonder what kind of fool had designed this boss who was so easy to beat, yet so boring. I’m not sure how long it actually took to win the fight, but I do know that we had too little time left in the Final Day to participate in the Goron Race.
I don’t remember how we eventually figured out the correct way to defeat this boss, nor do I recall what we did when we finally realized our mistake. But I do remember being infuriated by what I discovered many years after that night. See, as it turns out, our “stand in the safe zone and shoot arrows” method isn’t always the slowest route to defeating Goht. In fact, when used correctly, it could end the fight quickly and painlessly.
I’m not sure if the speedrunning community still shoots Goht to this day, or if they’ve found yet another strategy, but I would like to send all of those players a message: we thought of it first! We just did so really, really badly.
So the lesson here, if there is one, is simple. If you’re facing a boss, and it is boring and strange, then you’re probably doing it wrong. But you might also be doing it in the best way possible, and you just won’t know it until a couple of decades later.
Goats in real life should also be able to shoot lightning, but that’s a discussion for another day.
