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    Make More Confessions About Yourself
    • I’ve been relating a lot to this song a lot lately...especially today, unfortunately...

      People think that being able to save basically anyone you meet is an amazing ability that everyone should be able to posses and it wouldn’t have any downsides, but they don’t realize what they’re really saying, and I truly caution anyone who asks for something like that to be careful what they wish for — because if you ever do somehow miraculously gain that ability, let me tell you, it won’t be the way you’re imagining it.

      Is it an amazing ability? Yes, it is an amazing and wonderful ability beyond any compare, but it shouldn’t be able to be used by just anyone, because it does have downsides — many, many of them. I know because I have that ability, in some shape or form; in my time alive, I’ve been able to not only befriend many people that it was thought couldn’t be befriended, but also saved many it was thought couldn’t be saved, and turned them and their lives around completely. It sounds wonderful, doesn’t it — like a dream come true?

      Wonderful as it is, in reality, more often than not, it’s a nightmare. When you first realize you have it, you feel incredible, like you can do anything — change the whole world, even; but after awhile, if you’re like me, you’ll come to realize it’s actually an even heavier set of chains than the ones most people carry, weighing you down and absorbing everything you have and everything you are, because unlike what people think, an ability like that doesn’t just work by you saying “hi” to a person, shaking their hand, and snapping your fingers. I truly believe that if people with at least the last requirement just tried, they would find that it’s really not such a rare gift at all, and the only thing standing between them and that life is the fact that they don’t personally have the motivation to keep on doing it for everyone, and I don’t blame them one bit. Saving people isn’t magic; I so wish that it was, but it isn’t. Saving even just one single individual takes tremendous effort, an extended period of time — ranging from countless hours to days, weeks, or sometimes even months — immense energy and emotional strength, and a talent or gift for being able to know what things to say and the right times to say them, and let me be the first to tell you that other than the potential to make a new friend, you cannot and should not ever expect to get much of anything in return; generally speaking, it really doesn’t pay off other than that and the peace of mind you’ll have knowing that the person you saved is alive and well. It is sometimes an absolutely thankless job, and sometimes the people you save and come to love will choose to forget you even existed, or find someone else who meets their needs better than you.

      So why do I do it? If you’re looking for a solid answer, I can’t give you one; in all honesty, sometimes I question it myself, and yes, I have realized I may be better off myself if I quit and yes, a part of me has considered it; I’m not that good of a person that I don’t sometimes consider these things, and I’m definitely not that good of a person that I won’t complain about all of this. That having been said, I know in my heart that no matter what anyone says — no matter how good or logical the advice they give, or how true it may be — I will never truly stop doing it.

      No, I don’t have a solid reason to give you about why I do what I do — nothing concrete — but I know just these few small things that keep me going; namely, that I love everyone too much to abandon them, that it is in my nature and always has been and always will be, and that I believe it is the right thing to do.

      But to whoever I know may be reading this and thinking, “You had the time to write and post this, but not to respond to me?” — people like you are exactly the reason why I am complaining; because you fail to see that I have given you and others like you basically everything I have already short of money which I truly don’t even have to give — my time, my energy, my friendship, my love, my support, my understanding, and even more than that. You fail to see that you have taken ownership of so much that I actually have to feel guilty and consider not even posting something personal just for myself because you might be disappointed that I wasted my time on something for me when I could have been doing something for you.

      When is it my turn? When do I get to take a break and think about my own health and well-being? When do I just get to breathe without thinking it might be offensive to do it without your permission?

      That’s why I’ve decided to stop caring what you think of me — to post this, to let my own feelings out and not worry about if it offends you, because if you’re really my friend you’ll understand, and if you don’t, then I guess you aren’t and I’ve done all I can for you anyway.

      For once I’m putting myself as the priority, because if I don’t I’ll drown. I’ll happily save you if I’m in any way able, but before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself, or we’ll both just go down in the end anyway.

      Celebrating 3 whole years of ZU membership -- 8/22/2015 - 8/22/2018