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    The misAdventures of Drunk Link!

      Post by Guinea ().

      This post was deleted by the author themselves ().
    • It was a glorious day in the land of Hyrule! Our hero, Drunk Link, had proposed to Princess Zelda... and she said 'yes'! Everyone from all around had come to see the wedding, which was currently underway.

      Triforce: DO YOU, ZELDA, TAKE LINK TO BE YO LAWFULLY WEDDED BAE?!

      Zelda: I do.

      Triforce: AND DO YOU, LINK, TAKE ZELDA TO BE YO LAWFULLY WEDDED BOO?!

      Link: Hell yeah!

      Triforce: AIGHT! KISS YO GURL, BRUH!

      Pete: *cries* I'm so happy!

      Fi: Yes, this is truly a grand occasion.

      Link and Zelda, in love and smiling happily, leaned in for the kiss. This was a day to be remembered, and everything was perfect. Then $#!% got real.

      Mipha: *busts through the door* I OBJECT!!!

      All: *gasps*

      Zelda: ...do you... know this woman, Link?

      Link: Nope! Never seen her before in my life! Who the heck are you?!

      Mipha: Who am I? ...WHO AM I?! Surely you jest! I'm your FIANCE, Link!

      Triforce: SAY WHUUUT?!

      Zelda: Excuse me?! I'M his fiance, not you! Talk about an unpleasant surprise!

      Mipha: Oh, you think that's surprising?! Well, wait until you meet... his SON!

      Link: My WHAT?!

      Ralis: *walks up* Hi dad.

      All: *gasps*

      Zelda/Pete: *faints*

      Triforce: DANG, HOMIE! YO ASS GONE BE ON CHILD SUPPORT!

      Fi: *scans* My sensors indicate that this is, without a doubt, your biological son. Congratulations, master.

      Link: Ah #%@&#%##!!!!!

      ------------------------------

      Narrator: Hmm... this is quite the dilemma...

      Bowser: I'll say! Who could've seen this coming?!

      Narrator: Yikes... poor Zelda...

      Bowser: What now? Are you gonna revise the script?

      Narrator: ...nah... this might be pretty good... but cut to commercial anyway.

      *~*SUPER SMASH DUDES 5 FOR SWITCH*~*

      Fawful: BRUSSLE SPROUTS!!! *selects Fawful on screen*

      Link: ...ok, whatever... *selects Drunk Link on screen*

      Halfway through the battle, Link kinda just gave up.

      Fawful: NACHOS?!

      Link: *sigh* I can't believe this! How do I have a kid?! What is going on?! *throws controller at Switch*

      Narrator: Um... yeah, this commercial is a no-go...

      The game went on to sell... a bunch of copies.

      Fawful: PORKCHOPS!!!

      Link: SHUDDAP!!! *knocks out Fawful*

      Bowser: *facepalm*

      ------------------------------

      Pete: ...

      Fi: ...

      Link: *chugs booze*

      Pete: ...

      Fi: ...

      Link: *hiccup* WHAT?!

      Pete: You never told us you had a son! This is crazy!

      Fi: Yes, the events of today have been rather strange. I cannot properly process this information.

      Link: YOU can't?! How do you think I feel?! I don't even remember that chick!

      Pete: Well, supposedly you proposed to her back in the day!

      Link: That's just the thing, I don't remem- ...wait.

      -----FLASHBACK-----

      Link: *sips brew* Yuck! What is this stuff?!

      Mipha: Some type of wine, I think. I brought it along for our date!

      Link: So this is alcohol, huh? *sips more brew* ...hmm... *downs the rest*

      Mipha: Oh no, you're gonna end up drunk!

      Link: Hey, what's the worst that can happen? Trust me, this won't turn into an everyday thing. *chugs bottle*

      (several hours later)

      Link: *downs another bottle* I'sh... I'sh, uh... tink dat I, uh... I tink dat I, uh... I tink dat I love you! Marry meh! *smooches Mipha*

      Mipha: Tee-hee! Of course I'll marry you!

      -----END FLASHBACK-----

      Link: CRAP!

      Fi: What of Princess Zelda? You must explain this to her, master.

      Link: I know...

      Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

      Pete: *peeks out window* It's Mipha and Ralis!

      Link: CRAP!

      Mipha: *busts through the door, knocking Fi out in the process* THERE you are, Link! I want you to spend some time with your son! I'll be back later!

      Ralis: *hugs Mipha* Bye, mama.

      Mipha: Bye sweetie, you behave yourself! *exits stage left*

      Pete: *flies up* So what now? You guys could play video games, or go fishing, or-

      Ralis: I like fishing.

      Pete: Well, that settles it! Have fun!

      Ralis: Yay!

      Link: CRAP!

      ----------------------------

      In the Sacred Realm, the Triforce was going crazy trying to find something to do. Everything seemed whack to him at the moment, and he figured that maybe he should go on an adventure too.

      Triforce: MAN THIS DAY LAME AF! I'M BOUT TO SHOW OUT!

      Suddenly, he was in the world of Star Fox, and $#%@ got real once again. Don't ask.

      Wolf: When I make my escape, everything will disappear!

      Triforce: WHATCHU MEAN, FOOL?!

      Wolf: The entire galaxy will implode, taking you, Star Fox, and Corneria with it!

      Triforce: NAH SON! IT AINT GOIN DOWN LIKE DAT!

      Wolf: Just try and stop me! Mwahahahah!

      Triforce: YOU DONE MESSED UP NOW!

      The Triforce teleported to the ship's control room, fired up that loud, and hit the self-destruct.

      ------------------------------

      Meanwhile, back in Hyrule, the new episode of Star Fox had just gone off. Link was seriously like WTF.

      Ralis: This show is the $%#&!

      Link: WTF! *calls Triforce*

      Triforce: YO, WHAT'S HAPPNIN'?!

      Link: How the heck did you get on the show?!

      Triforce: WHAT SHOW YOU TALKIN' BOUT?!

      Link: Star Fox! The new season is badass! I want on the show too!

      Triforce: YOU MUST BE TRIPPIN! THAT S##% WUZ FOR REAL, MANE!

      Link: Yeah right! *hangs up*

      Triforce: *facepalm*

      -------------------------

      Narrator: What's up on that decaf?

      Bowser: It was tea. My bad.

      Narrator: Ah ##%&#!!!!!!!

      Bowser: To be continued... idk. *exits stage left*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 6 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was completely drunk. He went for a walk and eventually wound up in Eagleland.

      Link: Eh? *hiccup* Where am I?!

      Fi: *pops out of sword* Analysis complete. We are far from the land of Hyrule. Destination currently unknown.

      Link: Well... let's ask somebody! *hic*

      Suddenly, two snakes ran up and attacked.

      Link: WHAT THA-?! *gets bit* OW!!!

      Ness: *approaches* They're wild beasts! You have to tame them!

      Link: HOW?!

      Ness: Like this! *beats the crap out of them with a baseball bat* There! Completely tamed!

      Link: Huh... seems legit, I guess. Where am I, exactly?

      Ness: Onett, my hometown! Would you like to accompany me on my quest to save the world? Some really weird stuff is happening!

      Link: Uh... sure, I guess so? *hic*

      Just then, a Skate Punk appeared and shredded feircely on a skateboard.

      Link: OW!!! HOW THE HELL DID THAT HURT ME?!

      Ness: Not much makes sense around here... if you fight humans, you have to make them turn back to normal.

      Link: HOW?!

      Ness: Like this! *beats the crap out of the Skate Punk with a baseball bat* YEAH, B#%@&! TAKE THAT!

      Skate Punk: *turns back to normal*

      Link: This place is crazy, and I'm not gonna lie, I've had like... a lot to drink. But whatever, let's go! I like how you handle business!

      Drunk Link and Ness headed off to the next town. They passed by a trashcan on the way.

      Ness: Hmm... let's see... *digs around in the trash*

      Link: What are you doing?!

      Ness: Ah ha! A hamburger! *eats hamburger*

      Link: That's freakin' disgusting! *pukes*

      Suddenly, the Big Pile of Puke attacked.

      Link: WTF?!

      Ness: *beats the Big Pile of Puke with a baseball bat* There! It stopped moving!

      Link: *calls Mario*

      Mario: Hello!

      Link: I'M TRIPPIN' THE HELL OUT! WHAT DID YOU PUT IN MY DRINK?!

      Ness: I told you this place doesn't make sense. Mostly because of Giygas' influence.

      Link: *hangs up* Who the heck is Giygas?!

      Just then, a wicked, very foul and evil antagonist approached.

      Porky: *walks up* Bahahaha! If it isn't Ness! What's going on, Pig's Butt?!

      Link: YOU RUDE LITTLE PUNK! *knocks out Porky*

      ------------------------------

      Narrator: *spills tea on script* ARGHH! DAMN THIS DECAF BULLSH-

      Bowser: I found some more scripts... but they're all seperate stories. Maybe we could mash them together?

      Narrator: I don't even care right now. We'll figure it out later.

      Bowser: *scratches head*

      ------------------------------

      Once Link helped Ness defeat Giygas, he returned home and checked on his pumpkin patch.

      Link: *chugs brew* Not a bad crop this year! *BURRP* Can't wait to sell 'em!

      Suddenly, a star-shaped craft came crashing down in the field. Link ran over to see what was up.

      Kirby: *climbs out* Poyooo...

      Link: Hey! You alright?!

      Kirby: Poyo... poyo!!!

      Link: Huh?!

      Pete: *flies up* He said his name is Kirby and he needs your help on Planet Popstar!

      Link: You can understand this thing?! What's it talkin' about?!

      Kirby: Poyo! Poyo!

      Pete: Oh man, that sounds bad! Apparently there's an evil corporation called Nightmare Enterprises and they're working together with an evil king named Dedede who took over Cappy Town! We gotta go help!

      Link: He said all that with two words?! Damn! *chugs brew* ...ugh... Well, LET'S GO!

      Fi: *pops out of sword* Would you like my assistance, master?

      Link: Nope! Go sell these pumpkins! *enters ship with Pete and Kirby*

      ------------------------------

      Traveling through the cosmos at the speed of light, it wasn't long until they arrived at Popstar.

      Link: *gets out* Ugh... car sick... *pukes*

      Kirby: Poyo!!!

      Pete: Yikes! Monsters!

      Link: Huh?! Pssh! *shoots monsters with his magic arrows of death and despair*

      Kirby: Poyo!

      Pete: He said 'thanks'! Cappy Town is saved!

      Link: Piece of cake!

      On the balcony of his castle, King Dedede had observed the quick battle.

      Dedede: Kirby done went and found himself a warrior! Seems mighty powerful if you ask me!

      Escargoon: Yes sire, and according to our Waddle Dee intel his name is Drunk Link. We might have to call N.M.E. about this...

      Dedede: I needa monstah to clobbah that there Drunk Link! *enters throne room*

      ------------------------------

      After a bunch of events involving a terrible dub, Link and Kirby appeared before the final boss, Dedede, fused together with some horrible monster. Yes, I know this didn't happen in the anime.

      Link: You can probably beat him with this! *throws bottle of booze*

      Tuff: Kirby, suck it up!

      Kirby: *inhales booze, does a bunch of backflips and transforms*

      Meta Knight: *randomly appears* He is... Drunk Kirby...

      Kirby: POYO!!! *pukes*

      Tiff: Kabu! Send the Warp Star!

      Kabu: WAUP STAHHH!!! *sends Warp Star*

      Kirby: *jumps on Warp Star and smashes Dedede with rapid-fire liquor bottle throwing*

      Dedede: You doggone Kirby! I'll be back, ya hear! *gets smashed*

      Pete: Yay! We saved Dream Land!

      Link/Kirby: *pukes*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 3 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was getting ready for the Wing Ceremony. He did not plan on losing.

      Pete: ...you know, Link, that really was a pain, what with all the scratching and pecking...

      Link: Yeah, well, he's not getting out of that pen anytime soon! *chugs booze*

      Groose: *runs up* Has anyone seen my Loftwing?! I can't find it! What if something happened to it?!

      Link: *BUURRP* Come to think of it, I haven't seen your bird anywhere! Where is that scruffy pile of feathers? Do you think its tiny brain got confused by all the clouds and got lost? *hic*

      Groose: Give him back! What have you done?!

      Link: Ya know, why don't you grow a backbone already? Dopes like you are dragging this academy through the mud!

      Zelda: *walks up* What is going on here?

      Link: This idiot lost his bird, and-

      Zelda: *points finger* Don't even try it, Link! You're picking on Groose again, aren't you? Why do you insist on bullying him around so much?

      Link: Yeah... I suppose... urk!

      Zelda: You suppose? Suppose what?

      Link: *pukes* ...ugh... forget it. I wasn't supposing anything. *walks off*

      Pete: *facepalm*

      ------------------------------

      Fi: Master, the Wing Ceremony is almost complete. You must hurry and grab the Statue.

      Link: I'M WORKIN' ON IT! SHUDDAP!

      Groose: I'll show you! This'll teach you to be mean to my Loftwing! *reaches for Statue*

      Link: Oh yeah?! Well, let's see how you fly with egg on your face! *hits Groose with egg*

      Groose: AHHH!!! I CAN'T SEE!!! *crashes into floating boulder*

      Link: *grabs the Statue* Aww yeeaahhhh, I'm the champ!!!

      Fi: You did it, master. Victory is now yours.

      Link: *lands on top of Goddess Statue* That was easy! Now, princess, how about giving me a big kiss?

      Zelda: *hands Link a Sailcloth and pushes him off ledge*

      Link: AHHHHH!!! *hits the ground* OWW!!! DAMN IT!!!!!!!

      Pete: *facepalm*

      ------------------------------

      Link had just fed Samus a pumpkin when three girls walked into the yard.

      Aryll: Hey bro, you got some vodka?!

      Link: WTF are you doin' here?!

      Agitha: I wanted to see Pete! He's such a cute bug...

      Linkle: ...

      Link: Well, he's not here! Go find something else to do!

      Pete: *flies outside* Hey! Haven't seen you three in a while!

      Agitha: *pokes Pete* Hee-hee! Soooo cute! <3

      Aryll: Please tell me you have some vodka?!

      Link: NO!

      Linkle: ...

      Suddenly, Samus picked up a strange scent.

      Samus: BOW-WOW! BOW-WOW-WOW!!!

      Link: Huh?! What the heck is that thing?!

      Hinox: *stomps forward* RAWRRR!!!

      Agitha: EEK!!!

      Link: Damn, my bow is inside!

      Pete: What do we do?!

      Linkle: *hits Hinox with Mortal Draw*

      All: WTF!

      Linkle: *uses Great Spin on Hinox* ZARIAAAAA!!!!

      Hinox: *falls down*

      Linkle: *uses Jump Strike followed by Ending Blow* HYAAA!!!

      Hinox: *dies*

      Agitha: Wow Linkle, that was amazing!

      Linkle: ...

      Pete: You're awesome! Maybe you should take notes, Link!

      Link: Yeah right!

      Linkle: HYUT! *rolls into tree*

      Pete: *facepalm*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was currently facing charges for killing a Pokemon.

      Triforce: *appears* ALL RISE!

      All: *rises*

      Triforce: NOW SIT YA'LL ASSES DOWN!

      All: *sits down*

      Triforce: AIGHT! THA COURT IZ NOW IN SESSION! WHAT'S GOOD WIT IT?!

      Luigi: *walks up* I have arrested Link for killing a Pokemon of the plantif, Gary Oak.

      Triforce: HOW YOU PLEAD TO DAT?!

      Link: ZZzzZZz...

      Triforce: WAKE UP, FOOL!

      Link: *wakes up* Huh?! Uh... not guilty! Even though I did it!

      Triforce: WHATCHU CAPPIN' POKEMON FO, LINK?!

      Link: *shrugs* I wanna be the very best, like no one ever was.

      Triforce: I FEEL YA ON DAT, BUT YOU CAN'T JUST GO ROUND BLASTIN'!

      Link: I know, my bad...

      Triforce: I'MA CALL THA FIRST WITNESS TO DA STAND!

      ------------------------------

      Meanwhile, at Link's house...

      Mipha: *knocks on door* Link! Open up! I need you to watch Ralis for a bit!

      Aryll: *opens door* Mipha?! I haven't seen you in forever! *hic*

      Mipha: Are you drunk?!

      Aryll: I found the vodka.

      Mipha: Where is Link?

      Aryll: Jail, probably. *chugs brew*

      Mipha: For what?!

      Aryll: *BUUURRRP* Killing a Legendary.

      Mipha: WTF! Why would he do that?!

      Samus: BOW-WOW! BOW-WOW-WOW!!!

      Aryll: *throws beer can* SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

      Postman: Ms. Linkle, WAAIIIT! *runs up*

      Linkle: *walks out* ...

      Postman: You've got a letter! Here you go! Well, onward to mail! *runs off*

      Linkle: ... *opens letter*

      Letter: It's a secret to everybody.

      Agitha/Ralis: *facepalm*

      ------------------------------

      Triforce: ORDER IN THA COURT!

      Link: *chugs booze* That Articuno was out of control.

      Gary: You were out of control!

      Red: *runs in* OBJECTION! The Narrator is out of control!

      Narrator: I'm just trying to find work until the next Paper Mario game.

      Lucario: *walks in with Muk* Cario, cario, cario... (yeah, wouldn't that be nice. i'd love a new paper mario)

      Muk: Muk, muk... muk... (i'd buy that s#/%...)

      Triforce: I FIND DA DEFENDANT NOT GUILTY! NOW BOUNCE! *vanishes*

      Gary/Red: WHAT?!

      Link: Hell yeah! *chugs booze*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 4 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was about to completely flip the hell out.

      Pete: *flies in* Link! Wake up!

      Link: HUH?! WUT?!

      Pete: It's the Christmas Special! We have to go see Santa!

      Link: *looks at calendar* CHRISTMAS IS OVER A WEEK AWAY! SCREW SANTA!

      Pete: *cries* But... but...

      Link: LEAVE ME ALONE, PETE!!! *throws pillow across room*

      Pete: *sniffle* Fine then! You big meanie! *flies off*

      Link: ...aw, damn it! Pete! Come back in here!

      Pete: *flies back in* What?! You want to put me in the pokeball again?!

      Link: No, I'll take you to see Santa-

      Pete: Yay!!! *flies up and hugs Link*

      Link: *throws pokeball and catches Pete*

      ------------------------------

      The pair made their way to Castle Town, with Pete beyond hyped to meet Santa. He was about to be in for a surprise.

      Pete: There he is!!! I'm gonna ask him for lots of Pokemon stuff!!! *flies up to Santa*

      Ganon: *dressed like Santa* Well, look who's come dashing through the snow! <3 <3 <3

      Pete: AHHHHH!!! *hides behind Link*

      Link: WTF are you doin' here?!

      Ganon: Oh, you know... just here to jingle some bells, maybe stuff a few stockings~ <3

      Link: *knocks out Ganon* WHERE'S THE REAL SANTA?!

      Pete: *gasps* Look, Link! There!

      Santa: Ho, ho, ho!!! Merry Christmas! What would you like, little boy?

      Pete: I want a Snorlax beanbag chair, a new Pikachu lunchbox, a Pyukumuku pillow, and a-

      Link: *pukes on Santa*

      Pete: EWW!! WTF!!!

      Santa: Oh no! I can't deliver presents like this!

      Link: SO WHAT, YOU AIN'T GETTIN' PETE HIS POKEMON $#IT?!

      Santa: Now, now! I never said I wasn't-

      Link: *knocks out Santa*

      Pete: NOOOO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

      Link: *throws pokeball and catches Pete*

      ------------------------------

      That night, as chestnuts roasted over an open fire, Link was visited by a phantom.

      Hero's Shade: *appears out of nowhere like a complete badass*

      Link: *wakes up* AHHH!!! WHO ARE YOU?!

      Hero's Shade: I am the Ghost of Christmas Past...

      Link: BULLSHI-

      Hero's Shade: *suddenly teleports away with Link*

      Narrator: Yeah, I'm bringing this back. To be continued! *sips eggnog*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Guinea ().

    • Hero's Shade: *drops Link into a pocket dimension*

      Link: *hits the ground* ##@$!!!

      Hero's Shade: Pick up your weapon, filth. It's time you learned the joys of Christmas.

      Link: You're a ##@$ psycho!! *shoots Hero's Shade with his magic arrow of death and despair*

      Hero's Shade: *smacks arrow away like a complete badass* No, your sword, idiot.

      Link: *calls up Fi and chugs beer simultaneously* Hey! Where the ##@$ are you at?!

      Fi: *answers phone* Hello, master. I am hanging out with T.E.C..

      Link: I NEED SOME ASSISTANCE!!!

      Fi: *phone loses signal* ##@$!

      Hero's Shade: *facepalm* I knew this would happen, for I am the Ghost of Christmas Future, as well...

      Link: *chugs wine* ##@$ THIS $#@#!!! *exits stage left*

      Hero's Shade: Hey! You can't just-

      Link: SHADDAP!!!

      ------------------------------

      Meanwhile, in the Mushroom Kingdom...

      Narrator: *spills coffee on script* Ah #$##@$!!!!!!

      Bowser: *walks in* Merry Christmas!

      Narrator: *sighs* Christmas is ruined...

      Bowser: What?! We gotta save it! Just you and me!

      Narrator: Nah, let's just cut to commercial.

      ----------*-----TLoZ: BOTW-----*----------

      Kass: *starts playing 'We Wish You A Merry Christmas'*

      Link: *looks at calendar* IT'S NOT CHRISTMAS!!! *knocks out Kass* DAMN!

      Narrator: *facepalm*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 4 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Christmas had finally arrived in the land of Hyrule! Everyone was jolly, merry, and in the spirit of giving! Everyone, except for our hero, Drunk Link.

      Link: *kicks over Christmas tree* PETE! WAKE UP!

      Pete: HUH?! WUT?! ...hey! Me and Fi spent two hours decorating that!

      Link: AND IT WAS RUINED IN TWO SECONDS!

      Pete: You're so mean! Gah!

      Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

      Link: FI! OPEN THE DOOR!

      Fi: But master, I can't...

      Link: *pushes mute button on Master Sword* JUST SHUDDAP AND DO IT!

      Fi" *sighs* ....... (yes, master...) *opens door*

      Kohga: Stand aside!

      Link: WHO'RE YOU?! *pukes*

      Kohga: I'm the Grinch! Here to steal all of your presents and ruin Christmas once and for all!

      Link: *knocks out Kohga* YEAH, RIGHT!

      Pete: We should go to Castle Town! I bet it's all lit up with lights! We can see Zelda!

      Link: Hmm... sounds good to me! Let's go!

      ------------------------------

      They all ventured to Castle Town, and yadda yadda yadda.

      Pete: Wow! It's so pretty!

      Fi: I am in agreement with Pete.

      Link: Yeah, yeah... *chugs booze*

      Zelda: *runs up* Link! Thank goodness you're here! Someone stole all the presents!

      Link/Pete/Fi: WHAT?!

      Zelda: It was some guy named Kohga...

      Triforce: *appears* I KNO DAT PUNK ASS YIGA!

      Link: You do?!

      Triforce: SHO DO! HE GETTIN DROPPED NEXT TIME I SEE HIM!

      Kohga: *flies in on Paraglider* Hahaha! Christmas is now ruined! None of you can stop me!

      Triforce: DAT'S HIM! YOU GONE CATCH DEEZ HANDS, FOOL!

      Pete: But, uh... you don't have hands!

      Triforce: AW, $#&T! WHUP DAT YIGA'S ASS, LINK! *vanishes*

      Link: *shoots Kohga with his magic arrow of death and despair*

      Kohga: Noooooo!!! *dies, dropping all the presents*

      Pete: Yay! You did it, Link!

      Zelda: My hero!

      Link: *pukes*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was busy searching for the ingredients to make the Spicy Meat and Seafood Fry for the Old Man to get the Warm Doublet. He was very pissed off.

      Link: I CAN'T FIND ANY GODDAMN PEPPERS!

      Pete: Jeez! Just chill! We haven't even started looking!

      Link: AND WHY CAN'T I FISH?!

      Pete: You can! Just use your bow!

      Link: FINE! *shoots Hylian Bass with bomb arrow*

      Pete: *facepalm*

      Link: C'MON! *exits stage left*

      ------------------------------

      After finally getting the Bass and the Spicy Pepper, Link only needed some Raw Meat. He began to hunt.

      Pete: Oh man, I wish there was another way... I feel bad for the poor animals...

      Link: You didn't feel bad when I shot Plumm!

      Pete: When the hell did you do that?!

      Link: I don't remember. I think it was after I shot Trill.

      Pete: WTF! You're a monster!!!

      Fi: *pops out of sword* Analysis complete. A Lynel is approaching at a very high speed.

      Link/Pete: WHAT?!

      Lynel: *runs up* RAWRR!!! *hits Link*

      Link: OWW! TAKE THIS!! *shoots Lynel with his magic arrow of death and despair*

      Lynel: *dies*

      Link: Yes! Raw Meat! We got the ingredients!

      Pete: What about Plumm and Trill?!

      Link: *eats Poultry Curry* Mmm! *BUURRPP* They didn't go to waste! C'mon! *exits stage left*

      Pete: LINK, YOU SONOFA-

      (the following dialogue from Pete was removed because it obviously wasn't very nice)

      ------------------------------

      Link: HERE! *gives Old Man the food*

      Old Man: My word! Hylian Bass was the missing ingredient! Thank you so much!

      Link: WHERE'S MY WARM DOUBLET?!

      Old Man: Oh, that itchy old thing? I threw it out ages ago!

      Link: ARGH!!! *knocks out Old Man*

      Pete/Fi: *facepalm*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was doing his best to carry the Blue Flame to the Akkala Ancient Tech Research Lab without flipping his shit.

      Link: OMG LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

      Moblin: *chases Link*

      Link: GODDAMN IT!!! *attacks Moblin, extinguishing the torch*

      Moblin: *dies*

      Link: *runs back to light the torch again* FINALLY!

      Link made it halfway, then it started to rain.

      Link: *throws torch* ARGHHH!!!

      Pete: I have an idea! What if you-

      Link: *throws pokeball and catches Pete* SHADDAP!!!

      ------------------------------

      Link managed to light the torch, but it took forever. He flipped his shit.

      Robbie: Thank you, stranger! So you're Link, eh? Well, I need to see some proof! Get naked!

      Link: *knocks out Robbie* FREAK!

      Pete: Why did we even come here? Shouldn't you be out looking for the Divine Beasts?

      Link: Screw that! I need more weapons!

      Pete: But you have the Master Sword, why do you-

      Link: BECAUSE EVERYTHING #$##@# BREAKS! DAMN!

      Cherry: I have a solution to your problem!

      Link: AHH!!! WTF!

      Cherry: I didn't mean to scare you! My bad! Thanks again for lighting the torch!

      Pete: Do you know where to find an unbreakable weapon?

      Cherry: Yep! And I'll tell you for 500 rupees!

      Link: What?! You know how hard it is to find rupees now?! I can't just cut grass and make bank anymore!

      Cherry: Hmm... then you're on your own. Have a good one!

      Link: ARGHH!!! *hands over 500 rupees*

      Cherry: Yay! I was lying, by the way. I just wanted some cash.

      Link: *shoots Cherry with his magic arrow of death and despair*

      Suddenly, Link's bow broke.

      Link: GODDAMN IT!!!

      Pete: *facepalm*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 1 time, last by Guinea ().

    • Rain fell like a torrent, and Zora's Domain was in danger. Our hero, Drunk Link, was about to take on the Divine Beast Vah Ruta.

      Pete: Are we really going to do this, Link?

      Link: I don't have a choice! Mipha said if I don't, she'll put my ass on child support!

      Pete: Ah #$@##$#!!!

      Link: Tell me about it.

      Sidon: *swims up* Are you ready, Link?

      Link: *chugs an entire bottle of tequila* ...ugh. Yeah, I'm ready...

      Sidon: Yes! I know we can succeed! Let's go! *swims off with Link*

      Link: *pukes on Sidon*

      Sidon: WTF!

      Link: My bad, slow down!

      Sidon: You do have the Shock Arrows, right?!

      Link: Shock Arrows?! Why the hell do I need those?!

      Sidon: To stop the Divine Beast! Weren't you listening earlier?!

      Link: Uh... not really.

      Vah Ruta: *shoots ice blocks and hits Link*

      Link: OWW!!! *falls in the water*

      Sidon/Pete: *facepalm*

      ------------------------------

      Narrator: *checks the budget* Damn, I have no choice but to cut this chapter short.

      Bowser: Ah #$#@##$#!!!

      Narrator: Tell me about it.
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 2 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Pete: *flies in* Link! Wake up!

      Link: *wakes up* WTF?! WHAT?! *pukes*

      Pete: We have to go to Koholint Island!

      Link: WHY?!

      Pete: It's getting a remake! It's going to be fun!

      Link: GODDAMN IT!!!

      ------------------------------

      Our hero, Drunk Link, set sail for Koholint Island. His raft was struck by lightning.

      Link: AW SH*T! *falls from raft and washes ashore*

      Pinkle: *walks up* Oh, well look who it is! The guy who pushed me off a bridge! *kicks Link*

      Link: *wakes up* WTF?!

      Pinkle: You're an ass! Why didn't you save the Tingle's from Uncle Rupee?!

      Link: I KILLED THAT MUTHA- *downs a bottle of gin* LUVAH!!!

      Pinkle: Oh! Then all is forgiven. I'm guessing you're here to wake the Wind Fish?

      Link: Why do I look like I'm made of plastic?!

      Pinkle: Idk!

      Link: Ah #@$##$##!!!

      Pete: *facepalm*

      ------------------------------

      Link: *gets the key to Bottle Grotto* Yes!

      Pete: This isn't the first dungeon, why did you get the key?

      Link: There might be booze!

      Pete: *facepalm*

      Fi: *pops out of sword* Master, I highly recommend you get the previous instruments. They will be vital for waking the Wind Fish.

      Link: SCREW THE WIND FISH! I'M RUNNIN' LOW ON THE JUICE!

      Suddenly, a monkey hit Link with a coconut.

      Link: OWW!

      Fi: *scans* Master Link, this monkey is part of a side-quest to continue the Trading Game, I suggest you-

      Link: *shoots monkey with his magic arrow of death and despair*

      Fi: -not kill the monkey. Goddamn it.

      Link: My bad, but nothing beats boiled monkey! *boils the monkey*

      Pete: Now what?!

      Link: *eats the monkey* BUUURRRPP! Now I need to get to Bottle Grotto! Let's go! *exits stage left*

      ------------------------------

      Link: We're here!

      Pete: Watch out for the boss!

      Link: What boss?!

      Genie: *pops out of bottle* Me!

      Link: You got some booze?!

      Genie: Sorry, all I have is Kool-Aid!

      Link: GODDAMN IT!!! *shoots Genie with his magic arrow of death and despair*

      Genie: *dies*

      Pete/Fi: *facepalm*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 5 times, last by Guinea ().

    • Our hero, Drunk Link, was cruising along the countryside in his train while firing bombs at rabbits.

      Pete: You're supposed to use the net!

      Link: BOMBS ARE BETTER!

      Pete: No! I'm tired of all your senseless bulls#it! Pull into the next station, I'm out of here!

      Link: FINE! *pulls into the next station*

      Pete: Hmph! *exits train*

      Phyllis: *bumps into Pete* Hey! Watch it! (Use your eyes next time...)

      Pete: I'm sorry- AHHH!!

      Phyllis: What?! (Jeez, such a rude fairy...)

      Pete: You are- This is- *looks up at sign*

      ***Welcome to Animal Crossing***

      Pete: Oh, damn it...

      Link: *looks around* HOLY CRAP! LOOK AT ALL THE RABBITS! *fires bombs at the village*

      Pete: NOOOOO!!!

      Narrator: *revises script*

      -----------------------------------

      Pete: Hmph! *exits train*

      Resetti: *pops out of the ground* HEY, PUNK!!!

      Pete: AHHH! WTF!

      Resetti: DID YOU RESET THE GAME?!

      Pete: What game?!

      Link: PETE, WHO THE #### IS THAT?! *gets off train*

      Resetti: STOP RESETTING!!!

      Link: SCREW YOU!!! *knocks out Resetti*

      Pete: *facepalm*

      Narrator: *revises script*

      ------------------------------

      Pete: Hmph! *exits train*

      Don: *pops out of the ground* Um... hello there. Did you, uh... reset the game?

      Pete: I think so...

      Link: *gets off train* PETE! THIS PLACE SUCKS! LET'S GO!!!

      Pete: *sigh* Fine! Whatever!

      Suddenly, Maple flew into Link and items went everywhere.

      Link: OWW!!!

      Pete: *gasps* It's you! You're the witch who turned me into a fairy!

      Link: Huh?! What are you talkin' about?!

      Maple: We meet again! You know the drill! Fastest one wins!

      Pete tried his best to grab the items, but he failed.

      Maple: Hee hee! Magic time! *casts spell on Pete and flies off*

      Pete: *turns back to normal*

      Phyllis: *walks up* Pete! Where have you been?! (Gah, you help someone get a job then they bail on you...)

      Pete: Uh... I, uh...

      Link: WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!

      Narrator: *revises script*

      ------------------------------

      Don: *pops out of the ground* Hello again, I saw that you rese-

      Link: *knocks out Don* PETE! WHY ARE YOU A DUCK?!

      Pete: I'm actually a pelican...

      Link: WHAT?! THIS IS TOO WEIRD FOR ME!! *gets back on train and leaves*

      Pete: Wait! Come back!

      Tom Nook: *walks up* Oh, hey Pete. Been a while. Remember when you first got here and I helped you out? Yeah. You still owe me 500,000,000 Bells.

      Pete: Ah #@#$@##$#!!!

      Narrator: *revises script*
      :ghirahim: :cucco: :look: :tingle: :moon:

      The post was edited 4 times, last by Guinea ().