As promised, I will now continue to describe how to use Zelda game to prepare for tomorrow’s apocalypse with…

Majora’s Mask

Unlike The Wind Waker, Majora’s Mask takes place not in Hyrule, but in another dimension. It seems that after the events of Ocarina of Time, Link was riding Epona through the Lost Woods, looking for Navi (no, I don’t know why). One thing leads to another: the Skull Kid steals the Ocarina of Time, and Link falls through a hole into an alternate universe, which is why you should always call before you dig. Once there, the Skull Kid turns him into a Deku Scrub using the power of Majora’s Mask, an ancient artifact once used in the hexing rituals of a piñata-worshipping tribe.

Deku Link chases after the Skull Kid and finds himself in Clock Town. There, he meets the mysterious Happy Mask Salesman, who, now that I think about it, never actually sells masks in any of the games he appears in. Anyway, he tells Link that the Skull Kid stole Majora’s Mask from him, and unless Link gets it back, terrible things will happen. For example, Termina’s moon will crash into the countryside in three days and wipe out all life, which kind of puts a damper on the weekend.

The townsfolk, however, seem relatively unconcerned by their imminent destruction. Instead of doing something about the moon, such as constructing a giant catcher’s mitt, they’re preparing for the annual Carnival of Time. Everyone is very excited about the carnival, despite the fact that it features interpretive dance. The celebrations begin with the opening of the Clock Tower, an event shown natiowide on Carnival of Time’s Rockin’ Eve, hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

To stop the moon, Link needs to rescue the Four Giants, who were the guardian deities of Clock Town until they left for reasons that are never adequately explained. But the Skull Kid imprisoned the giants, each one in a different region, and Link will have to free each of them to stop the Moon moon. Along the way, he’ll encounter various apocalyptic phenomena; you should be prepared for these tomorrow.

Alien invasion

An alien species known only as “Them” plans to steal Romani Ranch’s cows and do who-knows-what with them. No one believes young Romani about the aliens, despite the fact that this apparently happens every year. Fortunately for Link, the invasion in Majora’s Mask is the most incompetent since Space Jam. Despite their advanced technology and immense numerical advantage, they are defeated by a kid with a bow and arrow set. So I wouldn’t worry about aliens tomorrow; any extraterrestrial invasion force will be slaughtered by the first Renaissance festival they encounter.


You should be on the alert for pirates tomorrow, especially if you have any fish eggs. The pirates in Majora’s Mask seem inordinately interested in fish eggs. These seem to be fairly stupid pirates in any case, considering that most of them ignore Link if he disguises himself as a rock, despite the fact that rocks rarely a) move around under their own power, or b) have human bodies. Nevertheless, you shouldn’t let your guard down; if you happen to have any fish eggs, you might want to keep an eye on them.

Undead activity

There’s a marked increase in the number of undead creatures wandering around the valley of Ikana in Majora’s Mask and terrorizing the citizens that are dumb enough to live there. Fortunately, it appears that they can be driven off by music boxes, so if at all possible you should go to Switzerland tomorrow.

If you can handle these things in Majora’s Mask, you should have no trouble with the real thing tomorrow. In fact, the only thing that could take you by surprise is if, by some chance, the world does not end tomorrow. Then you’ll be in trouble.