As you are probably aware, the world is scheduled to end on December 21 of this year. Or so say a number of new-age fruit loops. They base this claim on the ancient Mayan calendar, which the Mayans chiseled on large stones because they had a lot of free time. This calendar ends on the 21st, which means you only have a limited amount of time to run up your credit card statement. Actually, anthropologists say the 21st is just the start of a new era of the Mayan calendar, but what do they know?

Whatever idiotic thing the Mayans think will happen on the 21st, you need to be prepared for it. And that’s where Zelda comes in. You see, Zelda has its fair share of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic scenarios, and you should train yourself for the upcoming disaster by playing these games. I’ll be going over each of them in this series of articles, starting with…

The Wind Waker

It’s somewhat surprising that The Wind Waker has a post-apocalyptic theme, considering that it’s the only Zelda title produced by Rankin-Bass. The Wind Waker takes place after a huge flood, which is the most plagiarized myth in the universe. According to ancient refrigerator art, after Ganon was defeated, the Hero of Time left for parts unknown. But after many years, the seal on the Sacred Realm began to weaken, and Ganon reemerged to wreak havoc again. Actually, the picture makes it look like Ganon reemerged while the Hero of Time was only about twenty feet away, but never mind.

As Ganon began his offensive, Hyruleans waited for the return of the Hero. But he never came, because it was his bowling night. So the Hyruleans prayed to the Goddesses, asking them to stop Ganon from killing people and destroying the world. The Goddesses responded by sending torrential rain to flood the land of Hyrule, which killed people and destroyed the world. Yes, technically, it stopped Ganon from doing these things himself, but it seems to go against the spirit of the request, if you see what I mean. I’ll bet that from then on the Hyruleans consulted a lawyer before praying.

But the survivors, at least, were safe. Although Ganon nailed plywood over his castle’s windows and stocked up on bleach and bottled water, his basement flooded, so he was on the phone with his insurance company for several hundred years. During that time, the remaining Hyruleans got down to the task of rebuilding civilization before the Goddesses had any more bright ideas.

Of course, in accordance with the bylaws of the Evil Dark Lord Union, Ganon eventually returned to finish his work. This time, though, there was a hero to oppose him: Link, a young boy clad in green. Ganon did not consider him much of a threat at first, which I’ve always thought was a mistake on his part, considering it was a young boy clad in green that foiled his plans last time.

Anyway, as you guide Link on his quest, taking him into various dungeons which conveniently only require items he’s already acquired, you’ll have the opportunity to hone skills that will be vital during the End Times, such as pig herding and mail sorting. That should keep you busy until next time, when I’ll discuss Majora’s Mask, the only Zelda game that dares to make less sense than a Samuel Beckett play.